Positive Adoption Language

Hey, have you watched the new TV show called “Find My Family”? Only a couple of episodes have aired so far. Regardless of how you feel about the show, I mention it because while watching it there were a few terms used on the show that made me cringe just a bit. It made me realize how much education still needs to be done in the area of positive adoption language. While some outside of the adoption community may not realize the implications of certain terminology, there can be a lasting stigma associated with negative terminology. This is quite puzzling to me given the fact that we live in such a politically correct society.

Adoptive Families Magazine has an article that lists some commonly used adoption terms and compares them with other terms that have a more positive implication. Here is the article.

**Positive Adoption Language
The way we talk—and the words we choose—say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.

Choose the following positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you’ll reflect the true nature of adoption, free of innuendo.
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Positive Language...............Negative Language
Birthparent................................Real parent
Biological parent.......................Natural parent
Birth child..................................Own child
My child.....................................Adopted child; Own child
Born to unmarried parents......Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights........Give up
Make an adoption plan.............Give away
To parent....................................To keep
Waiting child ..................Adoptable child; available child
Biological or birthfather...........Real father
Making contact with.................Reunion
Parent........................................Adoptive parent
Intercountry adoption..............Foreign adoption
Adoption triad...........................Adoption triangle
Permission to sign a release.....Disclosure
Search.........................................Track down parents
Child placed for adoption.........An unwanted child
Court termination......................Child taken away
Child with special needs............Handicapped child
Child from abroad......................Foreign child
Was adopted...............................Is adopted
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Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. When a TV movie talks about a "custody battle" between "real parents" and "other parents," society gets the wrong impression that only birthparents are real parents and that adoptive parents aren’t real parents. Members of society may also wrongly conclude that all adoptions are "battles."

Positive adoption language can stop the spread of misconceptions such as these. By using positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption. We choose emotionally "correct" words over emotionally-laden words. We speak and write in positive adoption language with the hopes of impacting others so that this language will someday become the norm.

**Reprinted with permission from Adoptive Families Magazine. For more articles like this one, to subscribe, or to sign up for the AF e-newsletter, visit Adoptive Families online, www.AdoptiveFamilies.com

There has been some differing opinions about “Find My Family” TV series. If you want to read more about how other families feel about this series, you can read this article written by Martha Osborne of Rainbow Kids by following this link: http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=684

If you are like me and you are disturbed by the use of negative adoption language in this show, you can contact ABC at this link and share your concerns. I would encourage you to be respectful in what you say. Remember we are trying to improve the image of adoption! This link will take you to an online form that you fill out with your name, select the TV show and then share your comments. http://abc.go.com/site/contact-us

Tom Forman who has produced “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” is the executive producer for “Find My Family.”

The show is also produced by RelativityReal and RDF USA.
http://www.rdfusa.com/about.php

I hope you will begin to incorporate these positive language terms into your vocabulary. If we all work together, we can make a positive difference!

Cherri
cherri@dillonadopt.com

Thanksgiving ABC's

Let’s focus on the things that we are thankful for this week. I decided to see what I could come up with if I listed some of the things I am thankful for, using the ABC’s as a guide. After you read my list, I encourage you to make a list of your own. I would love to see how creative you can be. Others may be inspired by your list, so please post it in the comments if you feel comfortable doing so.

Adoption…I am thankful that adoption was God’s idea. We have experienced the miracle of adoption three times. I have personally been adopted into God’s forever family.

Babies…I am thankful that God allows us a glimpse of His love and handiwork in the face of a baby.

Computer…This is very superficial, but I am thankful for a good computer that works so that I can carry on with work that is very fulfilling for me.

Dancing…I am thankful for the spontaneous and uninhibited dancing of toddlers and young children.

Energy…I am thankful that God has given me the energy to keep up with my family and work that I love.

Favorite…I am thankful for the opportunity to hear our two year old say the word “favorite”. It is just one of the cutest words she says.

God…I am thankful for God and God alone, for His infinite care and wisdom.

Hope…I am thankful that I have hope in what can be a terrifying and depressing world.

Impact…I am thankful for the impact that my parents and other godly individuals had on my life.

Jesus…I am thankful that He died for my sins and I can be assured of life eternal with Him.

Keepsakes…I am thankful for keepsakes that remind me of precious life events.

Lawyers…I am thankful for the lawyers that helped us to finalize our adoptions.

Medicine…I am thankful for the people who have used their education and intelligence to make medications that help improve the quality of some of our children’s lives and help to bring healing when they are sick.

Nighttime…I am thankful for nighttime when I can get some rest.

Organizations…I am thankful for organizations that help to take care of the poor, widows and orphans.

Pain…I am thankful for pain (not at the time, but later). Pain helps us to learn lessons and protect us from future danger.

Quiet…I am thankful for moments of quiet when I can relax and meditate on God’s word.

Refinement…I am thankful that God continues to refine me day by day, experience by experience.

Sacrifice…I am thankful that we are called to sacrifice sometimes. It helps us to keep life in perspective and promote an attitude of gratitude.

Transportation…I am thankful that we live in a time of amazing transportation. Many of the things that I have experienced in my life would not have been possible without modern transportation.

Unconditional…I am thankful for God’s unconditional love for us.

Volunteers…I am thankful for volunteers in all areas of life. There are many things that we take for granted that are made possible because of volunteers.

Wisdom…I am thankful that God grants us wisdom when we ask for it.

eXcellent…I am thankful that I can work with an excellent organization like Dillon International.

Yearning…Yearning in my soul to live for the Lord.

Zeal…The definition of zeal is…enthusiasm, determination, perseverance, initiative, and diligence, “stick to-itiveness”. I am thankful that God grants me zeal for many of life’s challenges.

For other creative “thankfulness” ideas, check out this mom’s list at http://blessedby10.blogspot.com/2009/11/my-abcs-of-thankfulness.html

I REALLY like her list! I hope you like it.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

This is just a reminder that the Dillon offices will be closed this Thursday and Friday for Thanksgiving.

Cherri
cherri@dillonadopt.com

We Are a Conspicuous Family

This week I would like to share something that I first noticed on one of Dillon’s forums. This family adopted through Dillon International a few years ago. They share some very important information about how they feel as parents of special needs children. I hope you take the time to read this article very carefully and take some of their suggestions to heart. I think you will understand what I am talking about after you read their story.
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When you have 5 boys, people tend to notice.
When two of the five are adopted from South Korea, people tend to notice.
When one of the five is special needs, people tend to notice.

And when you are a conspicuous family, you learn that people will make comments and ask questions. It just comes with the territory.

Our youngest was born two years ago. He was a miracle from the beginning since we had long given up the hope of having another biological child. The pregnancy was very normal, but the moment Titus was born, we became aware of his special needs. The list is long and issues we were faced with at birth are no longer the issues we are faced with now. Titus is deaf-blind and has breathing and muscle tone issues. He is on oxygen 24x7. He has a cochlear implant which is very noticeable. At the age of two, he is not able to walk and can only support himself in a sitting position for a few minutes. We have had numerous surgeries and hospital stays. I mention that to say, his special needs are very noticeable when you meet him. But he is also very cognizant, very happy, and very content.

We do not let his needs hold us back. We are a very active family and take Titus with us everywhere we go.

We are finding that when we are out in public with Titus, we have parents who have special needs children that will come and talk to us. And over the last two years, we have learned a few things about parents of special needs children.

It's hard work - plain and simple. Parenting any child can be hard work (we have lots of experience with that), but parents of children with special needs face a whole slew of other challenges - and that in itself can make life hard. So when they find someone else who can relate, you automatically feel a connection because they know you understand.

We wish we could convey that to others, but the main thing we would like to say is this - if you can show compassion to them, show it; if you do an act of kindness (even just opening a door with a smile), do it. A simple smile in their direction means so much more than turning away and acting like you do not see them and their child.

Realize that the very act of being out of the house for this family can be a lot of work. But wherever they are, they are there because they chose to be, and not to be an object to be pointed at, stared at, or ignored. Treat them like you would treat any other person.

Tell them their child is beautiful - it is something they don't hear often (a worker at one of the fast-food restaurants told us how beautiful Titus was this weekend - and it was sweet music to our ears).

Don't talk about their child like he isn't there - respect that he is and can hear you. Realize that due to a child’s needs, he may require our attention while you are talking. Please realize we are not ignoring you, but have to address his needs immediately.

Don’t ask questions about the child’s needs immediately. It’s just rude. Get to know the family before asking personal questions about their child’s needs. There are times a parent just wants to be included in the same conversation that everyone else is having, and not having to answer questions about their child. Ask how they (the parent) are doing – they also need to feel like you are interested in them – not just their child.

Know that their schedule revolves around therapy, doctor's appointments, and other children. Due to the child’s needs, they might not get to take family vacations or attend fun family activities. Realize, that families with special needs don't get invited to come over to someone else's home, their other kids may not get invited to birthday parties or other activities, or they may get invited but may not get to attend. Include the family like you would any other family. They still like to hear that they are invited to participate. If they can come, they will make every effort - it just requires some advanced planning.

And, pay attention to the other children. They are used to people asking about their sibling with needs and sometimes they feel forgotten since no one notices or asks about them.

Know that having a special needs child can put an incredible strain on the marriage of parents. Statistics show that divorce among parents with special needs children is high. And we can understand that. Tending to a child 24x7 does not leave time for date nights or weekend getaways. It takes away from time couples spend together. If you can offer to keep their child for an hour so they can go out and have a cup of coffee, it can mean the world to them. It may mean you have to spend an hour just learning the basics of how to care for the child, but we can say having friends and family who can assist in the caregiving of our child helps us continue to have time for a date and time to be a husband and wife.

For us, we strive to keep life as normal and fun as possible for the other boys - we make sure they know that Titus is part of our family and we include him in all of our activities - it just takes some extra work and effort.

And last point, know that the parents of special needs children have received an incredible blessing that has forever affected their lives. We said one time that no one prays for a special needs child, they pray for a healthy child. But we can tell you that the last two years with Titus has changed us in a way that we never dreamed - and we can't imagine life without him.

About the authors
Paul & Becky D live in Frisco, TX. Paul is the Director of HR at an outsourcing company and Becky is a full-time mom to their 5 boys ages 12-2. They homeschool their boys, teach parenting classes and speak on parenting topics. They are blessed to have both sets of grandparents who live in town and two nurses who assist in their daily life. Their blog about Titus (and other things) is www.thelifeoftitus.blogspot.com.
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Now that you’ve read this family’s story and suggestions, I would like to hear from you. Do you have special needs children? If so, would you be willing to share some of your experiences or blessings as it relates to this topic? If you know of families with special needs children, how will this information make a difference in the way you approach and minister to these families? Thank you for sharing! It may help other families to find hope in their situation.

One other thing that I want to quickly share… Please check this out!! All you have to do is get on Facebook and VOTE for Dillon and encourage your friends to vote for Dillon too. Here are more details…

We need several more votes to give Dillon a chance to win this contest!
Dillon International Inc Dba Orphan Care International Inc.
Dillon wants you to support us in Chase’s Community Giving Campaign, which is donating $5,000,000 to charities around the USA. Facebook users are voting for the recipients! Please vote for “Dillon International Inc Dba Orphan Care International Inc.”

http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/charities/999792?src=wallpost&ref=nf

We appreciate your vote!

Until Every Child Has a Home...

Cherri
cherri@dillonadopt.com